Now Death Doesn't Seem So Cruel
by Davens
Summary: Jude needs somewhere where she can just get away... To hide from it all... But how long can she stay away? After Season 2 finale Jommy
1. Chapter 1

**Begin Chapter One: Nowhere To Go But Forward… At Least Until Something Better Comes Along**

Forbidden thoughts run through my head, as time passes me by. I sit by the window, and I have no where to go. I sit and watch the stars, glowing brightly in themselves. I can't help it that their glorious beauty reminds me of him. 'No Jude. Don't go there.' But I have no where else to go. And now death doesn't seem so cruel. Latelymy mindhas been workingin a circle track. It goes back to things over, and over again. Like this song that won't get out of my head. Or him. He keeps coming back. Just popping up in random thoughts. Like this song. It's about him. Aren't they always?

Giving up is the only option. There is no way to conquer this. Heavy guilt lies on my shoulders, and I think I made him leave. I was too obvious. I was too in his face. I was too… Me.

Breaking free. My motto for now. I mean, how can you break free of your life? It's been 3 months since I turned 18, and I haven't left my room since he left. It was such a shock, such a daze I thought that we had a connection. That we were one. But no, he is too complicated. Too rich for my blood. And I'll always be part of the normality. Not trying to be anything that no one else is. God, it sucks to be normal.

Greeting myself each morning it front of the mirror. I haven't had human contact since he left, so I take to talking to myself. Most of the time, I'm writing. Playing my guitar and singing, just to hear my voice. I listen to Boyz Attack like a crazed fan girl, because I can't get enough of his voice. So sweet, like chocolate, but yet manly, and husky like he just woke up from bed.

No, I can't keep doing this… I need to get out, to get away…

But where to go…

I start pulling out maps, of Canada, and of the United States. Checking them out, searching for the right place, to hide for awhile...

Ah ha! There…

I pack a bag, and drive to the airport, where I leave my car a little ways away, and walk into the airport. I ask for a plane ticket.

To Aurora, Illinois.

**End Chapter One**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclainer: I do not own Instant Star, or the characters from Instant Star. The journal is from Barnes and Noble, which I do not own. The guitars are Fender's and I do not own those either. I own Jay. And the song.

**Chapter Two: A Present from The Past**

**5 Years later…**

I can't believe it.

"Really!"

"Yea, all for you girl."

"Tommy?"

"Jude? Who's Tommy?" I shake my head to get rid of those thoughts.

"No one, Jay. Just… an old friend." I said.

"Ok, go get ready. Those tickets are only good for tonight. We need to leave in an hour."

"Ok!" I ran up the stairs. Jay had gotten us tickets to go and see a new band perform. This is their first stop on their first tour, and I was going to go! We had front row seats too! I threw on a pair of jeans, and a crimson tank top. I flew down the stairs, and almost ran over Jay.

"You ready?"

"Yea!" So, we were gonna get there early… Okay, really early… But who cares?

We got into Jay's Pilot, and off we were. Onto the tollway, to Chicago!

We got there, and didn't have to wait in line. We were walking to our seats when Jay took out another surprise. Backstage passes! I squealed! Jay covered his ears.

"Girl, you are going to be the deaf of me." He says, and starts laughing. I stand there staring at him.

"I don't know you." I walk towards the back stage. I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Look, Jay, you're joke wasn't funny-"

"Jude?" This is soo not Jay. This guy has a slightly deeper voice, with familiar smelling cologne, blue-eyes, and the messed-up hair…

Aw shit.

"Umm… Hey! How are you?" I say, trying to back away. But it wasn't even worth trying. He has a pretty good hold over me. Then I remembered, I was here because of him. I slapped him. He looked shocked, holding his now red cheek. He he he, that felt good.

"What was that for!"

"Leaving me, not telling me why, Ring any bells, Quincy, cuz I sure as hell ain't gonna explain it to you!" I go to walk away, when Tommy grabs my wrist.

"Jude, you don't understand-"

"How could I've understood, you didn't say a word! Make me understand Quincy. How you couldn't tell me, call me; even send me a fucking letter! I mean I wanted to hea-" I was rudely interrupted by Tommy kissing me. I remember the good ol' days for a minute, and then remember what a jerk he is. I pull away.

"What gives you the right to pull this crap on me? Huh?" I ask getting in his face about. He looked away. "That's right. Now, what the hell are you doing here?" He gave me another shocked look.

"Have you not been reading the tabloids?" I shook my head. "I just released my solo album. I'm on tour." I froze. I could hear Jay coming towards us.

"I have to go."

"Jude, please don't go. Don't let me lose you again. Can we at least meet before I leave?"

"Yea." I scribbled down my address on a post-it note, and handed it to him. "Just come here, anytime you feel like it. And that's my new cell number too, so give me a call Quincy. Have a good time!" And then I walk away.

Good lord, this was just the worst timing ever for this to happen.

I was starting too really like Jay, now one look at 'Little Tommy Q,' I'm falling for him again. I couldn't be… Could I?

I shook my head. Come on Jude. You're stronger than this! He left first!

Jay was waiting for me at the entrance to the backstage, saying we should get to our seats.

I nodded, not really paying attention, just thinking about what had just occurred.

Everyone started screaming, and Tommy waltzes out on stage like he owns the place. I smile. Tommy seems to search the crowd for someone. His eyes lock with mine.

"How's it going, Chicago!" He said into the microphone. "Here's a new one I wanted to share with you guys!" He nodded to the band. A sweet, slow acoustic melody fills my ears.

_You gave me the impression,_

_That we were just friends,_

_Just listen to my confession,_

_That I'll love you to the end…_

_Listen to my confession,_

_I need to get this out,_

_Please listen to my confession,_

_You need to know what this is all about…_

_Cuz I'd walk a million miles,_

_Just to see you smile,_

_I'd follow you to the edge of the world,_

_Just to call you my girl,_

_I'd happily fight off a million men,_

_Just to see your face again,_

_I'd jump into the ocean,_

_Just to show you my devotion…_

_Just give me a second chance,_

_To prove that I'm your man,_

_I won't mess it up this time…_

_Cuz forever you're mine…_

_Thinking of you,_

_Day and night,_

_This feeling I have,_

_Just feels right,_

_Together we'll stand and face what ever the world throws at us,_

_Together we'll be fearless,_

_Together will be the right way to walk through life,_

_Together you make my world come to life…_

_My world was just black and white,_

_Until you walked in,_

_With your red hair and your blue eyes,_

_I couldn't help but give in…_

_Cuz I'd walk a million miles,_

_Just to see you smile,_

_I'd follow you to the edge of the world,_

_Just to call you my girl,_

_I'd happily fight off a million men,_

_Just to see your face again,_

_I'd jump into the ocean,_

_Just to show you my devotion…_

_Just give me a second chance,_

_To prove that I'm your man,_

_I won't mess it up this time…_

_Cuz forever you're mine…_

_Losing myself in you,_

_Whatever we have should be true,_

_I can't stand life without you by my side,_

_But you left me behind…_

_Cuz I'd walk a million miles,_

_Just to see you smile,_

_I'd follow you to the edge of the world,_

_Just to call you my girl,_

_I'd happily fight off a million men,_

_Just to see your face again,_

_I'd jump into the ocean,_

_Just to show you my devotion…_

_Just give me a second chance,_

_To prove that I'm your man,_

_I won't mess it up this time…_

_Cuz forever you're mine…_

_Forever you're mine…_

_Forever I'm yours…_

_Just let me stay with you…_

_I can't live with out you anymore…_

Everyone clapped. I had tears in my eyes. The other songs couldn't even compare to this. I'll have to buy his CD. So, Jay drove me home afterwards, and I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts, that I forgot to say goodbye. But I didn't notice. I unlocked my door, and got in the shower first. It cleared my mind to have the hot water pouring down on my stressed muscles.

I just needed time to think. To clear my head of these cluttered thoughts… And pick up that old guitar of mine. And get a new one. And a new journal. The emotions I was feeling were overwhelming. I got out of the shower, put on my pajamas, and fell asleep the instant my head hit the pillow.

I woke up early the next morning. I was out of the house at 9:30. Early for me.

First stop was the Music Store. I needed an acoustic and an electric guitar. And cases for each of them, picks, strings, an amp, straps, and whatever else I needed.

I walked around the store for awhile. I couldn't find the guitar that stood out. I turned the corner, and saw the perfect guitar. It was electric, and it was on sale! I walked over to it, and checked it out. It was awesome. It was a Fender '62 Jaguar. This was the guitar that Kurt Cobain and Nirvana had! I had to get this guitar. It even came with a case.

"So, you would like to buy this guitar?" A voice said from behind me.

It was the manager.

"Yes, I would."

"It costs $1999.99. It comes with a case too. I hope you know that."

"I know, I can read the price tag."

"That's nice to know."

"Can you hold this at the front; I'm still looking for other items."

"Of course. Which color would you like?"

"What colors are there?"

"3-Color Sunburst, Olympic White, Black, Ocean Turquoise, Surf Green, and Ice-Blue Metallic."

"3-Color Sunburst, and can I get extra strings and picks for it?"

"Sure. Just call for Jason when you find what else you are looking for."

"Thank you I will."

I walked over to where there were acoustic guitars. I walked up and down the aisles, until I saw an acoustic that shouted out to me. I walked over to it. It was a Fender Acoustic CD-60. It was the acoustic I had wanted since I saw it on the internet when I was 12. I had to get this one too. I saw a different worker and asked him to go get Jason for me. I waited a few minutes until I saw Jason coming.

"I'd like this guitar too."

"Ok, it will be $285.70. With the same colors as the other guitar."

"Black please, and with the extras like the other guitar."

"Ok, miss. Is that all?"

"What amp would you suggest?"

"A Hot Rod Deluxe. It's very efficient."

"Yes, that too please. And hard cases and gig bags for each guitar."

"Will that be all?"

"Yes sir."

"Then please follow me to the register. Kurt, please get the cases and amp for Ms.?" He looks at me.

"Harrison."

"Ms. Harrison."

"Yes sir." Kurt said and walked into the backroom. I followed Jason to the register, and Kurt was already there, with the other items. He rang up all my items, and the total came up to: $3469.81, tax included. I pulled out my wallet, and handed him a credit card. He finished it up, and told Kurt to help me with my purchases. We loaded them into my car, and I drove back home to put it away. I then drove back put to a bookstore. I needed a new journal. So I went to the local Barnes and Noble, and walked over to the journals. There were a lot of them too. I strolled around, and was just looking until I saw this one black journal. It was a Black Leather Traveler's Journal. It was really cool! I fell in love with it right when I picked it up. The soft leather and the thick pages… This was my journal. I walked over to the register and paid for it.

By the time I got home, I was still tired, so I changed into my pajamas, and fell asleep once more.

I woke up to a banging on my door. I clumsily get out of bed, and answer it.

"Tommy?" I yawned.

"Jude? Look, we need to talk."

"Can we do this later? I'm tired right now."

"But it is really important and you need to know."

"Come in, then." I open the door and walk away to the kitchen. I needed my morning, I mean afternoon coffee. I heard the door close while I was bustling around in the kitchen. I heard strumming coming from the living room. I finished my coffee, and walked into the living room holding two cups. I still remember how Tommy drinks his coffee. Black. Ew…

Anyhoo, I come into the living room, and he's strumming my new acoustic guitar. A familiar tune too.

Shit. I almost drop the coffee cups, but I don't. I gasp though. The tune stops, and Tommy puts down the guitar.

"Sorry, that's my favorite acoustic." He says, with a grin.

"Here," I say, and I hand him the coffee cup. So we sit there, drinking coffee, and silence. He finishes his coffee first, and is looking at me, and humming.

"Tommy, please stop. I really don't like that song anymore." I say. Tommy gives me a hurt look. I was "our" song. Time To Be Your 21, good times, good times.

"You wanted to talk," I say, as I out down my coffee cup.

"Yea…" It's quiet for awhile.

"So… talk."

"I'm trying. It's… hard."

"Why?"

"Look… It all started out…"

**End Chapter Two**

**A/N: **He he he… 2,047 words. You should be proud of me. My longest chapter! Review and I'll update faster! Laterz!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you everyone who reviewed!**

**Honorable Mentions:**

**Duddley111**

**mZtOmMyQ5319**

**Tommy's My Guy 21**

**Kimberlli**

**IntoYou14: Jay is her boyfriend. He met her when she first moved there. She and him have been growing closer.**

**Adrienne**

**Ateryux22**

**tqluvsjh277**

**Thank you for reviewing!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Instant Star, or The IS Cast. I own Jay, Keith, and Dylan (Who play a small part in the story).**

_This font is Jude's inner voice, whom she argues with... alot. That's the only font change._

**On with the story!**

**Begin Chapter Three**

"Look… It started out with a bad decision. You see, I've been in Montana, the past… 4 years. I came back to find you gone, and G-Major in a wreck, and then I started my solo career. And that's what happened."

"What were you doing in Montana, Tommy?"

He started to get nervous. I could tell. "During Boyz Attack, Chaz made a mistake. One night Chaz and this groupie went too far."

"Nothing unusual about that."

"Yea but they forgot an important thing."

"What?"

"Protection. They were too far into the moment, and they forgot about it. So…"

"Tommy, no…"

"Jude, look, I left for the Mom and Chaz had just died. They were killed in a car accident. There was no one else Jude. You have to understand, that I would never leave you. I had to, for that little girl who had no one to love her. You need to understand. I can't have you not understanding."

"You could've at least explained to me why you left Tommy! Not that shitty goodbye you gave me."

_**Flashback**_

"Hey, I didn't think you were gonna show."

"Jude… I have to go. And I don't think I'll be coming back."

"Tom? Sit, talk to me." I patted the seat across from me.

"I have a plane to catch." He shrugs sheepishly. "Bye." He said not really caring about me, at least I couldn't tell from the tone of his voice. He walks out of the restaurant. I leave money on the table and follow him. He gets in his car. Banging on the passenger's seat window where there is a creepy bald guy, giving me a weird look.

"Tom? Tom? Tommy?"

Banging on the back of the car as he pulls out of his parking spot.

"Tommy?" Screaming his name while he speeds away.

"TOMMY!"

_**End Flashback**_

"Jude, look I'm sorry. I know the mistake that I made, I can't take it back. But can't you at least believe me that I never wanted to leave you. You never left my mind when I was gone. Your voice sang songs in my head, and it made me live. Knowing that one day, I would see you again. You have to believe me Jude! Believe me when I say I love you with all of my heart. Always. I did before, I do now, and I always will. Please. You have to believe me. I don't think my heart could take it if I spent another second without knowing that you could somehow love me back. A sliver of hope, a sliver of knowing that you could try to forgive me. Jude, by now, I'll take anything you have to give."

Holy shit, he was in love with me!

_Jude! Are you just going to let him back in! After all that he put you through? Do you remember that few months after he left? How pathetic you were? All those songs? All the heart-break..._

But I still love him…

_Jude! Don't think that way! You have to dislike him! It's been 4 years! Not one phone call, e-mail, or letter! Are you just going to take that?_

Not entirely. I mean to make him work for my forgiveness. He won't get it back that easily.

_But you're still giving him the chance to get it back! If you let yourself fall for him again… Do you want to feel the pain again, Jude? Of your heart shattering into a million pieces? Do you want to let yourself go through that again? You're 21, almost 22, you have a boyfriend who you truly care about! And now you're going to give it up! _

Yes… I am.

_Jude! Listen to m-_

"I can try Tommy."

_Damn you…_

"Really Jude?"

"It'll take more than a confession, more than a song, more than a long time. But there is a chance you could get that trust back. A slight chance."

"Jude… I know this will put you over the edge, but I need to ask, and please answer me honestly. Jude, do you love me?"

_Jude, don't answer that. If you answer that I'l-_

"I'm not sure." _Liar. _"Tommy, I can't answer that right now. What kind of answer were you expecting? 4 years, then two meetings? That isn't enough time…" _Yea it is…_

"Jude, one more question. Did you love me, before I left?"

_It's a 3rd degree interrogation… _

"…" I look away. I wouldn't let him see the pain, or the tears in my eyes.

"Jude?"

"Leave."

"Jude? Wha-"

"Get out Quincy."

"Jude? I'm sor-"

"Get the hell out of my house!" Tommy stands up, and turns away from me.

I walk towards my room. Why does he make me feel like this?

_It's because you let him get to you._

But I try to ignore him. But he just keeps coming back.

_You just need to build a wall around your heart._

But I can't. I've tried. It works… Until I look into those blue eyes of his. Like a stormy sea… I can't help it.

_Then let him in, and see what happens._

Aren't you supposed to know? And keep me from pain?

Hello? Are you there?

I guess not.

I walk out into the living room, to grab my new acoustic guitar. There's a note on it.

**_Dear Jude,_**

_**I'm sorry if I made you upset, I just really needed to know. I'm really sorry. And I was wondering if you would like to come on tour with me? It'll be fun, promise! And maybe, I could get you into singing for the beginning of each show? It would be just like old times… At least think about it. We leave in 2 days. Come to the Holiday Inn, on Orchard Road. I'll be waiting. **_

_**Love you,**_

_**Tommy**_

Oh my god…

I can't do this… I can't… Not now…

And singing… I was gonna start doing that again anyways…

I'll have to think long and hard about this…

I grab my guitar, and head back to my room. I grab my new journal from my bedside table, and sit on my bed, ready to start again doing what I love.

It was time for me to lose myself in the music again.

_**TJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJ**_

It took only about an hour for the words to come. An hour to write the music. An hour to get this song right. This song needed to be right. I needed it to be right. I couldn't stand the thought that if the song came out wring, how it would make me look… This was a song about the way I felt when Tommy left. The way I felt when he didn't care enough to call, to write, to send any kind of communication at all! I want him to feel my pain. I need him to feel my pain. He needs to know why I can't answer that first question yet. I guess he'll find out soon enough. Now… To go and buy clothes for the tour. No, I don't need new clothes for the tour. I had clothes… Yea…

_**TJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJ**_

I had everything packed and ready to go. I just needed to break things off with Jay. The hardest part of the whole fiasco I was letting myself be dragged into. I get in my car, and drive towards Jay's house. It's only like a half hour away. It's a small little townhouse, with a small backyard. It was white, and had a tanish garage door. I park the car in his driveway, and I walk up the sidewalk. I ring the doorbell, and Dylan answers the door. Dylan, Jay, and Keith, they all rent the townhouse together.

"Hey Dylan. Is Jay here?"

"Yea. Hold on a second." He turns toward the stairs. "JAY! JUDE'S HERE!" He turns back towards me. "He'll be down in about five minutes. Come on in, and make yourself at home." He opens the door a little wider and lets me in. I sit on the couch waiting for Jay. Dylan walks back into the kitchen. I hear Jay coming down the stairs, so I stand up.

"Hey Jude, I thought we were going out later tonight?"

"Jay… Look… I'm really sorry if I lead you on… But we're just not right for each other… I think we should see other people…" I finally look up from my shoes to see Jay there smiling.

"Jude… Thank you so much." I was shocked. "Because Jude… I just recently found out that…I'm gay. And Dylan and Keith… They're gay too. And I think I'm in love with them."

"Oh Jay! I'm so happy for you!" We hug, and say our goodbyes, but we promise to keep in touch.

Good, now that I'm single, I can go on Tommy's tour. To the Holiday Inn!

_**TJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJTJ**_

_**Flashback: After The Vinyl Palace**_

"Jude if I lead you on…"

"Can we just skip this?"

"Cool?"

"Cool."

"Look, Jude, working on a song it's like falling in love. At first it's a rush and then it gets painful, and sometimes you have to walk away. But sometimes you come out with something beautiful, like that song. Here just listen." He hands her the CD. "Don't quit. Cuz you're it girl. You're the real thing. You're even better."

_**Unsweet Sixteen Out In The Alley**_

"For what it's worth, Shay's a kid, and an idiot. And he made the wrong choice."

"It's not worth much, coming from you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm so tired of falling for guys that don't fall back. It hurts. You all say the nicest things. I'm so great, I'm so nice, but none of you want to date. Tell me what I'm doing wrong. Tell me why I'm so easy to give and then maybe I can fix it."

"You're asking the wrong guy." He then kisses her and the lightning flashes in the background.

_**Unsweet Sixteen In Tommy's Office**_

"Come on, Tommy. I think we both know what you want to say. That it was a mistake right? A pity kiss. That you don't feel the way I do because I'm a kid… Get it over with. Lie to me."

"I can't anymore… So this is what we're gonna do. Either I have to quit working with you, or I can stay. But only if we both agree that kiss never happened."

"No, no, no, no…"

"You have to say it, or I have to leave."

"Why are you doing this?

"Jude. Say it."

_(Whispers)_ "It never happened."

_**Should I Stay Or Should I Go**_

"When were you gonna tell me you were doing the Shay tour?"

"When were you gonna tell me you were doing my sister? What are you gonna date the whole family now? Cause Mom's available now and Grams is pretty cute… But Tommy...These last few weeks, I let myself fall for you again…And I thought you were falling back. Do you care about her? More than me?

"Jude, you can't ask me that?

"I'm asking."

**_In The Chrome Cat: Jude's 17th_**

"Sometimes people don't see who you really are, but I need you to try. Sadie and I… We weren't right…

"Why?"

"You know exactly why."

"Yeah…"

_**When Tommy Speeds Away**_

"Hey I didn't think you were gonna show."

"Jude… I have to go, And I don't think I'll be coming back."

"Tom? Sit, talk to me." I patted the seat across from me.

"I have a plane to catch. Bye."

He walks out of the restaurant. I leave money on the table and follow him. He gets in the car. Banging on the passenger's window where there is a creepy bald guy inside.

"Tom? Tom? Tommy?"

Banging on the back of his car as he pulls out of his parking spot.

"Tommy?" Screaming his name while he speeds away.

"TOMMY!"

_**End All Flashbacks**_

I was driving down to where the Holiday Inn was, and all these memories were resurfacing.

Shit, how was I going to do this?

**End Chapter Three**


End file.
